August 31, 2011

Saying Goodbye and Coping

Saying goodbye is never easy. I've had to say goodbye to my husband the three times he went to war. I've had to say goodbye to family members that lived across the country and only visited once a year. I've had to say goodbye to my wonderful best friends when we moved from North Carolina to Tucson. I've had to say goodbye to my grandma's whom I was very close to. And now, I've had to say goodbye to my son whom I never got to meet but was only able to hold his 17 week old body.

Some people may think that miscarriage is not a huge deal and is not serious or does not need to be recognized as a real loss. They are wrong. I have been friends with those who have been through this challenge and I've heard stories of others who have had many miscarriages and never was able to carry a pregnancy full term and have children. My heart goes out to them, even more now.

I wanted to recognize John. I wanted to make sure that his spirit up in heaven knows that although I didn't get to meet him that I still love him so much. I want to be sure that I remember him. So, after some thoughts and a little bit of time to heal, our family said our goodbye yesterday. Chris and I ordered a picture that will be dedicated to him, so he can have a picture by our family picture in the living room. Come Christmas we will get an ornament in his name. We will be framing the picture of his little fingers to put in our room. We are on a list to put his name on a Children's Memorial Wall at a Children's Park. This should be done by labor day and I can't wait to use that park as a place to go to think of him and how he might be in heaven. Yesterday we had a memorial service for him, just as our little family. We made pictures and letters and folded them up inside helium balloons, then after saying a prayer we released the balloons up to him at our church. All of the kids loved making him letters and they were all so sweet. I felt so better after doing it myself and I know it helped Chris too. We all felt really good after wards. This is our way of respecting him and loving him. We hope to continue this tradition every year in a way to remember him and the blessings he brought to us. I wanted to be sure that we did the best we could for him and now I know we did it.

For those of you who may be interested in doing something for him, we would like to invite you to plant a tree in his name. This is something we wanted to do, but since we don't have a green thumb we didn't want to do it ourselves in our own yard. You can go to this website below and donate just $10 and it will go towards planting a tree in a forest which will give life to many animals and us as human beings. Just copy and paste the site below. Thank you.

Although I have felt that I have officially let him go as best I can while still keeping him in my heart, I still hurt. I'm taking it one day at a time. I've noticed complete mood swings. I feel angry when I hear someone complaining about something so stupid. I feel sad when I see certain baby things. I feel happy when I watch my kids here on Earth play. I'm sure it will take a lot of time, but I sure hope this will eventually get better. I am so thankful that Chris has received time off of work during this time, but now I hate the idea of him going back. I don't know if I can handle a day by myself. I'm scared. I'm scared to leave the house. I'm scared to keep going with regular schedules. Sometimes I don't know if I can do it. sometimes I don't want to do it. And oddly sometimes that's all I want to do. I'm so mixed up.

I'm trying to use the support I have and be as happy as I can for the blessings I have right now. I would like to share with you my support groups, so if anyone else needs help, they may find it here. (I have found a penpal through this site and she has helped me so much already, they also offer other things) (For those who are LDS/Mormon)
There are also several support groups on facebook
For those of you in Tucson there is a support group that meets twice a month at a local hospital called Footprints. 520 873-6590
If you do not live in Tucson you may want to look into support groups at your local hospital.
Friends are great, especially those who are sensitive to your needs and/or can relate and just the simple messages have brightened my day.

The things listed have been a great help. However, I have received more comfort in reading the scriptures (I've already read 100 pages of the book of mormon), praying, and spending time at home with my family and cuddling with my children.

I know I must go on. I know I need to. I know I can. It will take time and I must take one day at a time right now. Saying Goodbye, although it was hard, was nice to do. I feel good, as good as I can.

We have a vacation coming up in the next couple of days to celebrate our 10th anniversary. Although a part of me doesn't want to go, another does and I know in the end that Chris and I will have fun celebrating the years we have had together and all the times we've had good and bad.

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