August 24, 2012

My Baby Angel, John

August 25th will always be a painful date for me. A year ago, when I was 17 weeks pregnant I was told my baby no longer had a heart beat and I was induced into labor to deliver him.

Leaving the hospital was one of the most hardest things, as I left empty handed, with nothing physically... No cuddly and cute little baby full of life. I did leave with a heart changed forever and I knew I would never be the same. I left changed.

I didn't get to share any cute baby photos. I didn't get to share his chunky cheeks, tiny toes and sweet little fingers, with his grandparents, siblings, and family friends to kiss. There would be no holding him and passing him around so others can look into his lively and heavenly eyes.

However, I can share something about John. I may not know everything about him but I do know a few things as I felt him inside my womb and carried him for almost 5 months.

He's a Good Boy.
He's Strong.
He's Valiant.
He helped me stop being an "Friday and Saturday night while the kids are in bed alcoholic." It was very easy, once I knew I was carrying a baby.

He's a Wonderful Missionary (and still is, now in Heaven).
He's Righteous.
He's Faithful.
He led me back to the Gospel. The sensations I felt within me were like nothing else that I've ever experienced. I started wanting to know the truth and have my questions answered while carrying him and ended up finding my testimony again and making it even four times stronger than ever.

He's Active.
He's Playful.
We saw his playful activity on the first ultrasound we had of him. He was more active than any of the other kids.

He was probably a picky eater.
I had my long days of morning sickness.

He's happy.
Together, we were both filled with joy. I know he was happy within me. I know he's happy where he is now, too.

He loves me.
Right after being told the news that he was no longer living in my womb, we saw a rainbow. I will forever incorporate rainbows with him. I know that was a way of John and Heavenly Father telling me that everything will be okay.
After many long nights of crying and reading the scriptures and praying, I had a dream. I saw him and he said "I'll be here waiting for you, mommy. I love you."

I love Him.
I will make it to him by living a righteous life, Loving my Father in Heaven, Following my Savior and the Gospel.
Until the time comes when I can hold him in my arms and say "mommy's here," I will cherish those little memories we had together and remember him and who he is.

I love you John Jeffry Poole
You are an amazing boy!

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